Have you ever heard of an energy vampire? I saw a great definition online that says an energy vampire is a person who “drains your emotional energy” and thrives on your willingness to listen and care for him/her. In some cases, this can be intentional and in others it’s unintentional, but in all cases, it leaves you depleted and exhausted, totally zapped of your energy (Kimberly Holland, Healthline).
This vampire could be anyone in your life – a family member, a best friend, a colleague at work, or even your spouse. Their behavior is toxic and draining, and it can even leave you feeling guilty. And that’s what women are really good at, right? Feeling guilty.
We often exhaust ourselves trying to be everything to everyone. And always while being nice, always while smiling. Replying quickly and positively to messages, accepting all invitations graciously. Giving and giving until we absolutely have nothing left to give. We find ourselves drained and irritable at the end of the day…giving mere crumbs of attention to our families, let alone to ourselves.
A specific energy-draining behavior I’ve seen within Saudi culture is that of a wife staying up very late (sometimes even all night), until her husband comes home just so that she can greet him and spend time with him. She is still, of course, expected to be up early with the kids the next day and attending to household duties and/or work. In these types of situations, the husband typically doesn’t come home earlier to cater to the wife’s needs or to meet her halfway. Instead, she works around her own time, energy, and schedule to cater to his schedule and needs. And this is all considered normal, perhaps even expected of a “good wife” within our cultural context. One of my best friends deals with this on a regular basis.
She and I had plans to meet up the other day. She was supposed to be at my home after Asr prayer, around 4:00 pm. She finally arrived at 5:30 pm. Why was she late? Her husband had just woken up just as she was heading out the door. She felt bad leaving him alone then, so she didn’t. She stayed with him and chose to be late for our meeting instead. She exercised no boundaries and disregarded her own plans and time (not to mention my time). Her time simply belonged to him if and when he wanted it.
Some women may do this happily, but I have yet to meet one. Several of my friends express frustration with this element of their marriages. My friend opened up to me that she wished she’d never allowed herself to do this at the beginning of her marriage. She wished she’d never set this expectation, and now she doesn’t know how to get out of it. She doesn’t enjoy staying up all night with her husband and then pushing herself the next morning to wake up and get to work. As much as she loves him, she regrets not setting those boundaries up from the beginning of the relationship. She regrets not prioritizing her own needs.
I began sniffing around online and was surprised at how much info there is about this topic — the topic of women, healthy communication, and boundary setting when it comes to relationships. I was obviously not the only one who felt like these issues were negatively impacting myself and my relationships. There are so many women who are too nice, too hesitant to stop or call out crossed boundaries; they choose to ignore their own negative feelings, instead. They do so simply because they want to be seen as a nice person, a good friend, or a good wife. Sacrificing your time and energy is admirable as a woman. We are praised for it all the time.
I’m a pleaser by nature. I’m a giver. And I’ve always felt good about these personality traits, but what if we are quietly building serious resentment on the inside while practicing them? What if I find myself in a horrible mood — time after time — after hearing a message or receiving a call from a particular friend? What if I become irritable to my husband or children as a result of this repressed frustration? With a certain friend, I had to finally draw the line after years of pent-up frustration.
It only hit me when my husband walked in on me leaving a voice note for her. I had walked away to the dining room for privacy and quiet, pacing the large Persian rug underneath me. I was obviously deep in thought and my face was twisted in concentration. I was irritated with his interruption as I was mid-sentence with my friend, advising her about a current work project.
He stopped in his tracks, looked directly at me, and with a serious tone said, “This is too much.” He shook his head and said, “I’ve seen you for so many years now with this same stressed tone and face. Are you working for her now?”
I immediately reacted defensively and explained how I’m helping her with her issues at work. On the inside, I knew there was truth to what he was saying. I’d been doing this for weeks now for her latest project at work. And with each project over the past few years, I seem to get pulled into hours of listening and consultation, too.
I still believe that it’s okay if I’m okay with it. I get it. And I’m truly okay with it in reasonable doses. But deep down, I realized I was really tired. I was tired of giving the same advice for the same problems. I was tired of how time-consuming it was, not to mention what a buzz-kill it was, too. That said, I have great pride in being a good friend, and I’ve always believed that a good friend is there no matter what. A good friend should always listen, be there, and advise when needed. So that’s what I did…for years. I always wanted to be a dependable friend who’s a good listener. It’s one of my core values, or at least that’s what I thought.
When I look back at my behavior in the friendship now, I feel that I allowed myself to be a doormat. What do I mean by this? That I set no boundaries, hid my emotions, and allowed someone – someone I love and care for dearly – to walk all over me. To use me, and to unload their negative emotions and experiences on me, and to repeat this cyclical pattern with no resolution in sight.
I found myself waking up to voice notes from this friend that began and ended with stressful complaints about work. Nitty, gritty details packed with heavy negative emotions. I usually wake up and start my day filled with energy, ready to tackle my to-do list and take care of my family’s needs. As soon as I open my phone and listen to the first message from her, my energy is immediately zapped, and my fresh optimism quickly turns to strung-out negativity. The messages didn’t even hold introductions or good mornings — they just immediately jumped into whatever the latest disaster in her life was. I now know that this is classic energy vampire behavior.
The truth is that I accepted this behavior from her for a long time, not just in relation to work issues, but about so many other life topics as well. Lots of stress and lots of drama on a few rotating but persistent topics. Literally thousands of messages. I allowed this to continue for years. One of the most alarming parts of the situation was that during this time, my own personal messages to her – my own updates, concerns, and life stories – were left without comment on her end. She simply had no time to respond or provide meaningful feedback or support to me. I wonder if she even had the time to listen. Of course, sometimes this happens when life gets really busy, which is totally understandable. However, when a friend repeatedly ignores your needs and continues to take and fill her own from your cup, seeds of resentment begin to flower.
Part of a trusting relationship is being able to confide and vent to someone. However, there’s a limit to how much venting one should do about a topic. At some point, it has to stop. If the same complaints stretch over weeks, then months, and even years, trust that it’s no longer a healthy vent. Even when I realized all of this — I didn’t want to lose my friend. She’s a good person, and I truly believe she was unaware of how much she was stealing my spirit and zapping my energy. Perhaps she was even doing so from a place of lack in her own life, from a lack of self-esteem or love from others or from herself. I’m certain that she would feel terrible if she knew my inner feelings.
It took my husband pointing out the obvious with his simple observation that morning for me to realize what had been going on for years. It finally clicked with me. He said that he remembered saying the same thing two years prior (I had forgotten) in the exact same spot in the house! He remembered exactly my face and my mood when answering these long and intense messages. After reflecting on his words, my relationship history with this friend, and my feelings, I had no choice but to make a change. So I did.
I began to set boundaries in our relationship, more through my actions than through anything else. I drew an imaginary line in our relationship, and I began to give shorter and shorter responses when the same toxic topics arose. In the past, I would’ve been sucked into hours of cyclical and exhausting conversation — without even realizing that I didn’t want to be spending my time and energy on those conversations. Now, I was able to take a deep breath and offer responses that were kind and genuine, but responses that respected my boundaries and needs, too. I prayed for her. I told her I empathized with her situation and that I hoped things improved. I no longer gave advice or input, especially on the repeated toxic and topics that had drowned our friendship once before. I began to feel better, both about our friendship and about myself.
My mornings feel lighter and happier now. I began practicing my new skill and perspective with other friends, as well. The keyword here is ‘practicing.’ Striking the right balance is more of an inner conflict for me than others could ever realize; I still struggle to fight my people-pleasing tendencies and to set my own boundaries. However, I have noticed that the practice feels a bit easier with each passing day.
I met up with this same friend the other day, and I was pleasantly surprised at how positive the energy was between us. The imaginary line I had drawn between us had not left an ugly stain on our friendship but in fact the exact opposite. Our conversation flowed with ease and if work topics came up she didn’t linger on them for too long. My heart warmed again towards her and I realized that I should’ve done this a long time ago. By setting boundaries, I hadn’t only served myself, but I’d served our friendship, too. The energy exchanged between us became purer; our relationship improved.
As women, we are praised for giving and sacrificing, and we aren’t taught how to set healthy boundaries for ourselves. I had to recognize that boundaries don’t make me a bad person or a bad friend. Boundaries can give me freedom and respect. Boundaries increase my value to myself and to others. Looking back at my situation, I think it was much easier for me to become a doormat to a loved one instead of to a more distant friend or family member, which just shows that even with those we love the most, we need to maintain our personal boundaries.
I am confident that with more time, the right balance will become my natural default. I don’t want to change my core values, but I’ve found that respectfully drawing lines when needed helps me to keep those values even closer to my heart. When you treat yourself as high-value, others will too.
I saw a great definition online that says an energy vampire is a person who “drains your emotional energy” and thrives on your willingness to listen and care for him/her. In some cases, this can be intentional and in others it’s unintentional, but in all cases, it leaves you depleted and exhausted, totally zapped of your energy (Kimberly Holland, Healthline).
This vampire could be anyone in your life – a family member, a best friend, a colleague at work, or even your spouse. Their behavior is toxic and draining, and it can even leave you feeling guilty. And that’s what women are really good at, right? Feeling guilty.
We often exhaust ourselves trying to be everything to everyone. And always while being nice, always while smiling. Replying quickly and positively to messages, accepting all invitations graciously. Giving and giving until we absolutely have nothing left to give. We find ourselves drained and irritable at the end of the day…giving mere crumbs of attention to our families, let alone to ourselves.
A specific energy-draining behavior I’ve seen within Saudi culture is that of a wife staying up very late (sometimes even all night), until her husband comes home just so that she can greet him and spend time with him. She is still, of course, expected to be up early with the kids the next day and attending to household duties and/or work. In these types of situations, the husband typically doesn’t come home earlier to cater to the wife’s needs or to meet her halfway. Instead, she works around her own time, energy, and schedule to cater to his schedule and needs. And this is all considered normal, perhaps even expected of a “good wife” within our cultural context. One of my best friends deals with this on a regular basis.
She and I had plans to meet up the other day. She was supposed to be at my home after Asr prayer, around 4:00 pm. She finally arrived at 5:30 pm. Why was she late? Her husband had just woken up just as she was heading out the door. She felt bad leaving him alone then, so she didn’t. She stayed with him and chose to be late for our meeting instead. She exercised no boundaries and disregarded her own plans and time (not to mention my time). Her time simply belonged to him if and when he wanted it.
Some women may do this happily, but I have yet to meet one. Several of my friends express frustration with this element of their marriages. My friend opened up to me that she wished she’d never allowed herself to do this at the beginning of her marriage. She wished she’d never set this expectation, and now she doesn’t know how to get out of it. She doesn’t enjoy staying up all night with her husband and then pushing herself the next morning to wake up and get to work. As much as she loves him, she regrets not setting those boundaries up from the beginning of the relationship. She regrets not prioritizing her own needs.
I began sniffing around online and was surprised at how much info there is about this topic — the topic of women, healthy communication, and boundary setting when it comes to relationships. I was obviously not the only one who felt like these issues were negatively impacting myself and my relationships. There are so many women who are too nice, too hesitant to stop or call out crossed boundaries; they choose to ignore their own negative feelings, instead. They do so simply because they want to be seen as a nice person, a good friend, or a good wife. Sacrificing your time and energy is admirable as a woman. We are praised for it all the time.
I’m a pleaser by nature. I’m a giver. And I’ve always felt good about these personality traits, but what if we are quietly building serious resentment on the inside while practicing them? What if I find myself in a horrible mood — time after time — after hearing a message or receiving a call from a particular friend? What if I become irritable to my husband or children as a result of this repressed frustration? With a certain friend, I had to finally draw the line after years of pent-up frustration.
It only hit me when my husband walked in on me leaving a voice note for her. I had walked away to the dining room for privacy and quiet, pacing the large Persian rug underneath me. I was obviously deep in thought and my face was twisted in concentration. I was irritated with his interruption as I was mid-sentence with my friend, advising her about a current work project.
He stopped in his tracks, looked directly at me, and with a serious tone said, “This is too much.” He shook his head and said, “I’ve seen you for so many years now with this same stressed tone and face. Are you working for her now?”
I immediately reacted defensively and explained how I’m helping her with her issues at work. On the inside, I knew there was truth to what he was saying. I’d been doing this for weeks now for her latest project at work. And with each project over the past few years, I seem to get pulled into hours of listening and consultation, too.
I still believe that it’s okay if I’m okay with it. I get it. And I’m truly okay with it in reasonable doses. But deep down, I realized I was really tired. I was tired of giving the same advice for the same problems. I was tired of how time-consuming it was, not to mention what a buzz-kill it was, too. That said, I have great pride in being a good friend, and I’ve always believed that a good friend is there no matter what. A good friend should always listen, be there, and advise when needed. So that’s what I did…for years. I always wanted to be a dependable friend who’s a good listener. It’s one of my core values, or at least that’s what I thought.
When I look back at my behavior in the friendship now, I feel that I allowed myself to be a doormat. What do I mean by this? That I set no boundaries, hid my emotions, and allowed someone – someone I love and care for dearly – to walk all over me. To use me, and to unload their negative emotions and experiences on me, and to repeat this cyclical pattern with no resolution in sight.
I found myself waking up to voice notes from this friend that began and ended with stressful complaints about work. Nitty, gritty details packed with heavy negative emotions. I usually wake up and start my day filled with energy, ready to tackle my to-do list and take care of my family’s needs. As soon as I open my phone and listen to the first message from her, my energy is immediately zapped, and my fresh optimism quickly turns to strung-out negativity. The messages didn’t even hold introductions or good mornings — they just immediately jumped into whatever the latest disaster in her life was. I now know that this is classic energy vampire behavior.
The truth is that I accepted this behavior from her for a long time, not just in relation to work issues, but about so many other life topics as well. Lots of stress and lots of drama on a few rotating but persistent topics. Literally thousands of messages. I allowed this to continue for years. One of the most alarming parts of the situation was that during this time, my own personal messages to her – my own updates, concerns, and life stories – were left without comment on her end. She simply had no time to respond or provide meaningful feedback or support to me. I wonder if she even had the time to listen. Of course, sometimes this happens when life gets really busy, which is totally understandable. However, when a friend repeatedly ignores your needs and continues to take and fill her own from your cup, seeds of resentment begin to flower.
Part of a trusting relationship is being able to confide and vent to someone. However, there’s a limit to how much venting one should do about a topic. At some point, it has to stop. If the same complaints stretch over weeks, then months, and even years, trust that it’s no longer a healthy vent. Even when I realized all of this — I didn’t want to lose my friend. She’s a good person, and I truly believe she was unaware of how much she was stealing my spirit and zapping my energy. Perhaps she was even doing so from a place of lack in her own life, from a lack of self-esteem or love from others or from herself. I’m certain that she would feel terrible if she knew my inner feelings.
It took my husband pointing out the obvious with his simple observation that morning for me to realize what had been going on for years. It finally clicked with me. He said that he remembered saying the same thing two years prior (I had forgotten) in the exact same spot in the house! He remembered exactly my face and my mood when answering these long and intense messages. After reflecting on his words, my relationship history with this friend, and my feelings, I had no choice but to make a change. So I did.
I began to set boundaries in our relationship, more through my actions than through anything else. I drew an imaginary line in our relationship, and I began to give shorter and shorter responses when the same toxic topics arose. In the past, I would’ve been sucked into hours of cyclical and exhausting conversation — without even realizing that I didn’t want to be spending my time and energy on those conversations. Now, I was able to take a deep breath and offer responses that were kind and genuine, but responses that respected my boundaries and needs, too. I prayed for her. I told her I empathized with her situation and that I hoped things improved. I no longer gave advice or input, especially on the repeated toxic and topics that had drowned our friendship once before. I began to feel better, both about our friendship and about myself.
My mornings feel lighter and happier now. I began practicing my new skill and perspective with other friends, as well. The keyword here is ‘practicing.’ Striking the right balance is more of an inner conflict for me than others could ever realize; I still struggle to fight my people-pleasing tendencies and to set my own boundaries. However, I have noticed that the practice feels a bit easier with each passing day.
I met up with this same friend the other day, and I was pleasantly surprised at how positive the energy was between us. The imaginary line I had drawn between us had not left an ugly stain on our friendship but in fact the exact opposite. Our conversation flowed with ease and if work topics came up she didn’t linger on them for too long. My heart warmed again towards her and I realized that I should’ve done this a long time ago. By setting boundaries, I hadn’t only served myself, but I’d served our friendship, too. The energy exchanged between us became purer; our relationship improved.
As women, we are praised for giving and sacrificing, and we aren’t taught how to set healthy boundaries for ourselves. I had to recognize that boundaries don’t make me a bad person or a bad friend. Boundaries can give me freedom and respect. Boundaries increase my value to myself and to others. Looking back at my situation, I think it was much easier for me to become a doormat to a loved one instead of to a more distant friend or family member, which just shows that even with those we love the most, we need to maintain our personal boundaries.
I am confident that with more time, the right balance will become my natural default. I don’t want to change my core values, but I’ve found that respectfully drawing lines when needed helps me to keep those values even closer to my heart. When you treat yourself as high-value, others will too.