Thiqa | ثقة

Like most millennial women, I struggled with self-consciousness throughout my adolescence, and even during my early twenties.

Growing up, I did everything everybody expected me to do. I pushed myself to become the daughter my parents wanted, the friend everybody liked, the best sister to my siblings, and the best student in class.

Trust is a way of being I have intended to practice for a while now. In January 2020, it was one of the words I set for myself to be the guide and inspiration throughout the year. I find it a rather elusive word.

I guess you could say that I was one of the lucky ones who got married at the “perfect” age. In a society that respects and idealizes marriage as a form of security and honor, I was certainly considered lucky at the time.

For so long, I did not belong to myself. I belonged to the expectations, conditioning, and programming forced upon me.

As mothers we have endless moments of self-doubt, wondering if we have done enough for our children, if we have given enough of ourselves that day, or have made the right choices.

Have you ever heard of an energy vampire?

I’ve been told over and over again by others — and sometimes by myself — that I’m too sensitive.

“And what have you done to love and support your soul?”

“One day I will smile from my heart again; but for now, it will have to be just from my lips”.

When I was five years old, I would join my mother when she shopped at department stores when we traveled. As she browsed the racks of clothes, I would run between them playing imaginary hide-and-seek with the women who worked there.